Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
