I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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