I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
