When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
