Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
