I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
