Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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