you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
