my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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