Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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