And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
