Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
