I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
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Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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