If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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