Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
