When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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