You smell like a Billy Joel song
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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