Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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