just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
