she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Four minutes until I can fart!
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The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize