My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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