What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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