The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
