she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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