i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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