I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize