Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
