i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
