I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
