I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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