I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
