Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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