i just google imaged poop.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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