i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
