Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
