I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
