The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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