update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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