and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
