Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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