Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
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I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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