I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
