The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
