why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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