Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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