i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.