how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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