I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
