Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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