So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms