You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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