Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.