I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
