He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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