I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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