Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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